Friday, 9 October 2015

So...the elephant in the room

I bought a house.

Well a townhouse as they call it here.

A 2 bedroom, single floor building, with a garage and a roof terrace across the entire property.

It's awesome. With views over the bay and the eastern suburbs, like this:

(The wires are for the trolley bus that stops directly outside)

And more importantly it's double glazed, insulated and has a heat pump. It even has a DVS. That will mean nothing to non NZ residents, because you lucky bastards all have central heating. Not so here, where I doubt even 1% of homes are double glazed. And it's fecking cold here when the wind picks up.

So yeah, I'm chuffed to bits.

But that's not what this post is about. It's about women.

Or rather how I can't talk to women. Certain women anyway.

I have many female friends, some amongst my closest, and I happily engage in many (some) witty (to me) conversations every day. Until a certain event happens - a potentially available woman I find attractive enters my life.

And then I freeze. Completely. For all it's doing to my appeal I may as well be a stalker urinating in her mailbox for no apparent reason.

(I had to recently clarify with a female friend I became very good friends with that nothing was going to happen - and was mightily relieved to hear that we both agreed it wouldn't. I don't do complication and it would've made me incapable of being in her presence.)

I've thought long and hard how, now being old and all that, how I can't do this. My conclusion is this - fear of failure. I can talk, and bore, the arse of any individual but if something important is on the line then it affects me. And someone who may just be the one will never even see me because I bail entirely.

Online I can meet people because that reaction never happens (because until you see them you don't know if there's a spark), and indeed I met my wife that way.

But this inability to pursue the women I'd like to speak to, means I easily fall prey to those that wish to take advantage of my naive and trusting nature. Can I fix it? And even if I could would it be too late?

I cannot express in words how much I miss just holding the person I love whilst we fall asleep. I cannot express in words how much the women I can say that about have destroyed me totally.

I think, perhaps, that it's a good thing I spare myself from that happening again.