I know I've been away, lord I know (in an amazingly atheistic use of 'lord' obviously).
But I'd like to share with you a couple of things. One of which is this frankly disturbing study. The bit that scares me the most - 14% of americans think that evolution is definitely true. 14%.
14%
Fourteen mother fucking percent. I'd be ashamed to considered English if that was the case over here.
I did particularly like that 'with about one in five adults still undecided or unaware of the issue', Unaware of the issue. Not even I could make that up.
Anyway - creationist bashing aside - I was involved in a discussion today about the office rottweiler. An extremely objectionable 'consultant' (i.e. mate of the director desperate for cash) that has few redeeming features.
A colleague recounted how he'd gone to make a cup of coffee and been cornered in the kitchen by said rottweiler who had tried his best to appear personable.
Or as I put it, in a moment of derogatory genius, 'he gave you the full wattage of his charm lamp'.
Now that, ladies and gentleman, is a great phrase. And surprisingly enough I seem to have made that up entirely as I can't find a match on google.
So your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find a way of using this phrase in normal conversation. Let's get it out there because it deserves to be in normal use.
Let's make the internet rule :)
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
Saturday, 7 May 2011
Hi
A small amount of time has passed since I last posted.
I suppose I should feel bad, but to be honest I'm not sure how much I feel of anything anymore. Let's get the facts out of the way:
a) Mrs RS is currently in remission
b) Mrs RS still has an unhealed leg wound from last year that will 'most likely never heal'. She undergoes extremely major surgery the week after next. This will either finally sort it or cripple her for life.
c) Mrs RS is still in the US and I am not.
I'd love to say that I have a shite life or that woe is indeed me, but that's bollocks. Countless people have worse lives than me. Countless.
But in contempory circles? Well, then the last 18 months has been possibly the most fraught and stressful of my life - and that's a poor refelction of what Mrs RS has had/has to go through. I am however her rock, her anchor to a place and life that isn't trying to kill her, and therefore I bear the brunt of a lot of it. My life is centred around supporting her because she is a part of me, and I will not let that change. This has left little of me over to engage with the rest of life. It has not just been this place that has lacked my attention.
I run a short fuse nowadays, which for those that have known me for a long time is unprecedented. I even managed to be formally warned for 'shrugging in an offensive manner' at work. No, that isn't a joke either. Work has slowly transformed from a farce to the early stages of the Fourth Reich and the main reason I stick around is not just the money, it's also the money.
I have friends at the coalface who keep me going, assisted for the last couple of months by beer (which tends to stop me stabbing people), but basically this entirely depressing update is to say:
1) I'm not dead
2) Mrs RS is not dead
Beyond that, the world is our oyster.
I suppose I should feel bad, but to be honest I'm not sure how much I feel of anything anymore. Let's get the facts out of the way:
a) Mrs RS is currently in remission
b) Mrs RS still has an unhealed leg wound from last year that will 'most likely never heal'. She undergoes extremely major surgery the week after next. This will either finally sort it or cripple her for life.
c) Mrs RS is still in the US and I am not.
I'd love to say that I have a shite life or that woe is indeed me, but that's bollocks. Countless people have worse lives than me. Countless.
But in contempory circles? Well, then the last 18 months has been possibly the most fraught and stressful of my life - and that's a poor refelction of what Mrs RS has had/has to go through. I am however her rock, her anchor to a place and life that isn't trying to kill her, and therefore I bear the brunt of a lot of it. My life is centred around supporting her because she is a part of me, and I will not let that change. This has left little of me over to engage with the rest of life. It has not just been this place that has lacked my attention.
I run a short fuse nowadays, which for those that have known me for a long time is unprecedented. I even managed to be formally warned for 'shrugging in an offensive manner' at work. No, that isn't a joke either. Work has slowly transformed from a farce to the early stages of the Fourth Reich and the main reason I stick around is not just the money, it's also the money.
I have friends at the coalface who keep me going, assisted for the last couple of months by beer (which tends to stop me stabbing people), but basically this entirely depressing update is to say:
1) I'm not dead
2) Mrs RS is not dead
Beyond that, the world is our oyster.
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
So this horse walks into a bar...
The title of this post is just about as close to a joke as you're going to get in here, so if you're expecting a good laugh then you'd probably be best to skip this entirely.
You may wonder why I stopped writing this blog and where I went for much of the last six months (or you may not, but seeing as you're reading this I'm guessing you do) and the simple answer is that there is no simple answer. My personal and professional lives walked off a cliff last summer and until now I've not been able to write about it.
Due to the fact that several of my colleagues have found my blog (due to idiocy on my part by leaving an unedited name in a post by accident and despite it being removed it showed up on google searches), I still can't talk about my situation there. Suffice to say that I still work at the same place and continue in 'gainful' employment, which is better than it could be. This will not be a permanent state of affairs however - and not through my choice.
With regards to my personal life I've equally been unable to write about it until now, as the details are/were not mine to share.
Around April and May last year Mrs RS had an infection in an old leg wound that progressed as far as cellulitis. After one of her blood tests as to why the anti-biotics weren't working, the particular doctor on duty informed her that she had a much higher white blood cell count than would be expected if she was just fighting the infection in her leg. He recommended a MRI scan, but seeing as she's not covered by the NHS for anything (we'd already run up almost £2000 in medical bills by this point) and they quoted us £3000 to perform one, we decided to wait until she was back home in California where she had medical insurance.
Roll on the beginning of August and Mrs RS had her MRI scan. I was immersed in work problems at the time so the wait before the results were known flew by for me, but I imagine they must have been torture for her. Finally we got the results at the end of August.
She has a brain tumour. Not just any old brain tumour either, a Primary Central Nervous System Lymphoma (or PCNS Lymphoma. Details here is you want to be ever so slightly scared). It's located just behind the frontal lobes on the left side of the brain, so as it got bigger it pressed on the frontal lobes causing dizziness and vertigo alongside uncontrollable mood swings and memory problems. At the same time her leg (which had never healed fully) was causing problems so the doctors decided to operate on it as well and cut out all the old scar tissue to replace it with one single scar.
August was not a good month. My days were divided into three portions; work, talking on skype and sleep. Ever tried to emotionally support someone with a terminal disease over the internet? My advice is thus - don't.
Before any decision could be taken about the treatment for the tumour, they first had to determine exactly what it was. If you haven't already figured this bit out, there is only one way to do this. It involves a drill and a small straw. Oh, and a pair of hair clippers.
Biopsy complete it was time to turn attention to the leg. Knowing that the likely outcome of the biopsy was going to be chemo and/or surgery to try and remove the tumour, her doctor decided to remove all the old scar tissue - almost down to the bone on her thigh - and staple it all together to let it heal quickly so that it would be done before any other treatment would commence. Surgery was booked for October, which was why I was over there to take Mrs RS for a holiday at the beginning of that month. Not long afterwards I started to crack around the edges and I stopped posting here. I have a great set of friends but even then I only told a handful what was going on out of a (not atypical for me) desire not to just offload all my problems onto someone else. Those I did tell were great and have helped me immensely. It wasn't easy to talk about though.
By this time they had her on steroids to 'slow the growth' and the results of the biopsy were as feared. It was going to have to be chemo to start with, once her leg surgery was complete. On the day of the surgery her doctor was held up in one of the other operating theatres for an emergency so a specialist surgeon came in, either didn't bother to read or deliberately ignored her doctor's recommendations, and hacked away with abandon before stitching (rather than stapling) the whole thing up.
The stitches split within a fortnight, leaving a four inch long wound that was three inches deep and now wide open. The surgery also left her with (possibly) permanent nerve damage from her back to her calf. On her next hospital visit the surgeon said 'yeah, I probably shouldn't have done that.' Of course, this is America so once you've signed the consent forms then you've no comeback at all. Charming.
The wound stubbornly refused to heal, so she was booked in to receive a Wound Vac as a last resort. While waiting for that she started three weeks of massive doses of chemo to 'soften it up should we need to remove it'. The chemo was supposed to shrink the tumour. Hopefully it would shrink it enough that surgery wouldn't be required, but it was an outside bet. Chemotherapy is a horribly blunt process (if better than it used to be) and it went as expected - lots of vomiting, aching and feeling terrible, followed by hair falling out.
No wait, I'm getting ahead of myself here. The Wound Vac was fitted around the start of the first chemo dose, but before it could be fitted they still had to deal with the infection after trying a number of anti-biotics with no great success. The last one they tried was in the week or so before chemo started (so, um, late November unless I'm getting confused). The day after starting the course she had one of her mood swings and wiped her tears to find that her hands were covered in blood. Looking in the mirror she could see that blood was running from her eyes and nose. Panicking (understandably!) that she was having a brain hemorrhage she frantically called her doctor. Apparently one of the side-effects of the anti-biotics is that it turns all your bodily secretions orange or red. Relief, but here's a tip doc - try fucking telling that to patients BEFORE they find this out themselves, especially with patients for whom staying calm is of utmost importance.
The anti-biotics did however work enough to allow them to fit the Wound Vac. I've seen the process now and it's disgusting (I am squeamish though), although probably less so than the canister attached to it holding two days worth of drainage from the wound.
Sorry, hope you weren't eating just then.
Chemo finished the week before Christmas with the final MRI on Christmas Eve. Christmas was, as usual, crap and depressing. At least I had a good reason to feel like that this time. I spent it on my own feeding turkey to the cat.
We got the MRI results the day after Boxing Day and for once it was some good news - the chemo had shrunk the tumour enough that the risks of surgery outweighed any potential benefits. The tumour is still there, but she's in remission for at least six months. If six months is all we get then so be it, but at least we'll try and make it a worthwhile time.
Right now I'm in California looking after Mrs RS for three weeks. The wound is slowly closing but it might take a couple more months to fully close. Once that is done then the plan is for her to come back to the UK for a while to complete here recovery - memory problems are still there, as are the uncontrollable emotion swings, and the nerve damage is the most debilitating thing right now. It's very frustrating for someone with an IQ over 160 to be struggling to multiply 5 by 6 anymore. She knows the answer, it just won't crystallise in her brain. These functions are supposed to come back in time and her memory is starting to work again in dribs and drabs. I can't do anything other than try and calm her down when she gets frustrated and upset.
Things will be better. I believe that. There'll be regular MRI scans to give us warning if it's growing again and, well, if it is then we've done it once so we'll do it again. I will not let this take her life and ruin mine, not without a fight.
And if it does, then I'll reverse my long-standing atheism, prove there is a divine being and then kick it firmly in the bollocks.
Twice.
You may wonder why I stopped writing this blog and where I went for much of the last six months (or you may not, but seeing as you're reading this I'm guessing you do) and the simple answer is that there is no simple answer. My personal and professional lives walked off a cliff last summer and until now I've not been able to write about it.
Due to the fact that several of my colleagues have found my blog (due to idiocy on my part by leaving an unedited name in a post by accident and despite it being removed it showed up on google searches), I still can't talk about my situation there. Suffice to say that I still work at the same place and continue in 'gainful' employment, which is better than it could be. This will not be a permanent state of affairs however - and not through my choice.
With regards to my personal life I've equally been unable to write about it until now, as the details are/were not mine to share.
Around April and May last year Mrs RS had an infection in an old leg wound that progressed as far as cellulitis. After one of her blood tests as to why the anti-biotics weren't working, the particular doctor on duty informed her that she had a much higher white blood cell count than would be expected if she was just fighting the infection in her leg. He recommended a MRI scan, but seeing as she's not covered by the NHS for anything (we'd already run up almost £2000 in medical bills by this point) and they quoted us £3000 to perform one, we decided to wait until she was back home in California where she had medical insurance.
Roll on the beginning of August and Mrs RS had her MRI scan. I was immersed in work problems at the time so the wait before the results were known flew by for me, but I imagine they must have been torture for her. Finally we got the results at the end of August.
She has a brain tumour. Not just any old brain tumour either, a Primary Central Nervous System Lymphoma (or PCNS Lymphoma. Details here is you want to be ever so slightly scared). It's located just behind the frontal lobes on the left side of the brain, so as it got bigger it pressed on the frontal lobes causing dizziness and vertigo alongside uncontrollable mood swings and memory problems. At the same time her leg (which had never healed fully) was causing problems so the doctors decided to operate on it as well and cut out all the old scar tissue to replace it with one single scar.
August was not a good month. My days were divided into three portions; work, talking on skype and sleep. Ever tried to emotionally support someone with a terminal disease over the internet? My advice is thus - don't.
Before any decision could be taken about the treatment for the tumour, they first had to determine exactly what it was. If you haven't already figured this bit out, there is only one way to do this. It involves a drill and a small straw. Oh, and a pair of hair clippers.
Biopsy complete it was time to turn attention to the leg. Knowing that the likely outcome of the biopsy was going to be chemo and/or surgery to try and remove the tumour, her doctor decided to remove all the old scar tissue - almost down to the bone on her thigh - and staple it all together to let it heal quickly so that it would be done before any other treatment would commence. Surgery was booked for October, which was why I was over there to take Mrs RS for a holiday at the beginning of that month. Not long afterwards I started to crack around the edges and I stopped posting here. I have a great set of friends but even then I only told a handful what was going on out of a (not atypical for me) desire not to just offload all my problems onto someone else. Those I did tell were great and have helped me immensely. It wasn't easy to talk about though.
By this time they had her on steroids to 'slow the growth' and the results of the biopsy were as feared. It was going to have to be chemo to start with, once her leg surgery was complete. On the day of the surgery her doctor was held up in one of the other operating theatres for an emergency so a specialist surgeon came in, either didn't bother to read or deliberately ignored her doctor's recommendations, and hacked away with abandon before stitching (rather than stapling) the whole thing up.
The stitches split within a fortnight, leaving a four inch long wound that was three inches deep and now wide open. The surgery also left her with (possibly) permanent nerve damage from her back to her calf. On her next hospital visit the surgeon said 'yeah, I probably shouldn't have done that.' Of course, this is America so once you've signed the consent forms then you've no comeback at all. Charming.
The wound stubbornly refused to heal, so she was booked in to receive a Wound Vac as a last resort. While waiting for that she started three weeks of massive doses of chemo to 'soften it up should we need to remove it'. The chemo was supposed to shrink the tumour. Hopefully it would shrink it enough that surgery wouldn't be required, but it was an outside bet. Chemotherapy is a horribly blunt process (if better than it used to be) and it went as expected - lots of vomiting, aching and feeling terrible, followed by hair falling out.
No wait, I'm getting ahead of myself here. The Wound Vac was fitted around the start of the first chemo dose, but before it could be fitted they still had to deal with the infection after trying a number of anti-biotics with no great success. The last one they tried was in the week or so before chemo started (so, um, late November unless I'm getting confused). The day after starting the course she had one of her mood swings and wiped her tears to find that her hands were covered in blood. Looking in the mirror she could see that blood was running from her eyes and nose. Panicking (understandably!) that she was having a brain hemorrhage she frantically called her doctor. Apparently one of the side-effects of the anti-biotics is that it turns all your bodily secretions orange or red. Relief, but here's a tip doc - try fucking telling that to patients BEFORE they find this out themselves, especially with patients for whom staying calm is of utmost importance.
The anti-biotics did however work enough to allow them to fit the Wound Vac. I've seen the process now and it's disgusting (I am squeamish though), although probably less so than the canister attached to it holding two days worth of drainage from the wound.
Sorry, hope you weren't eating just then.
Chemo finished the week before Christmas with the final MRI on Christmas Eve. Christmas was, as usual, crap and depressing. At least I had a good reason to feel like that this time. I spent it on my own feeding turkey to the cat.
We got the MRI results the day after Boxing Day and for once it was some good news - the chemo had shrunk the tumour enough that the risks of surgery outweighed any potential benefits. The tumour is still there, but she's in remission for at least six months. If six months is all we get then so be it, but at least we'll try and make it a worthwhile time.
Right now I'm in California looking after Mrs RS for three weeks. The wound is slowly closing but it might take a couple more months to fully close. Once that is done then the plan is for her to come back to the UK for a while to complete here recovery - memory problems are still there, as are the uncontrollable emotion swings, and the nerve damage is the most debilitating thing right now. It's very frustrating for someone with an IQ over 160 to be struggling to multiply 5 by 6 anymore. She knows the answer, it just won't crystallise in her brain. These functions are supposed to come back in time and her memory is starting to work again in dribs and drabs. I can't do anything other than try and calm her down when she gets frustrated and upset.
Things will be better. I believe that. There'll be regular MRI scans to give us warning if it's growing again and, well, if it is then we've done it once so we'll do it again. I will not let this take her life and ruin mine, not without a fight.
And if it does, then I'll reverse my long-standing atheism, prove there is a divine being and then kick it firmly in the bollocks.
Twice.
Thursday, 28 October 2010
Sad
I'm home now after 3,800 miles of driving around the pacific northwest over two weeks. At times it was a fantastic holiday and some great photos will likely appear when I can get them.
However something, as always. overshadows this. I can't talk about it explictly as it's not my choice to. Either way my life is continuing behind a facade that is slowly crumbling. I try, I really try to care about things but I can't anymore.
I just can't.
Life shouldn't be about fucking memories, it should be about hope, excitement, joy - anything other than blind obedience to the party line that we all 'had a good innings'. It shouldn't be about what we did, what we lived through, who we once saw, who we saw do what. It should be about who we are. What we're going to do. Where we're going to go.
It should be but it isn't.
I have to be strong. I have to avoid the reality of the situation and be strong. I'm a thousand tonnes of rock supported by the sheer willpower of a thousand matchsticks. I cannot break, or rather I cannot break externally. I cannot allow it.
I may never return here, for which I apologise. Know only that I would not do this lightly.
On the other hand, I might be back next week. Keep 'em guessing and all that.
However something, as always. overshadows this. I can't talk about it explictly as it's not my choice to. Either way my life is continuing behind a facade that is slowly crumbling. I try, I really try to care about things but I can't anymore.
I just can't.
Life shouldn't be about fucking memories, it should be about hope, excitement, joy - anything other than blind obedience to the party line that we all 'had a good innings'. It shouldn't be about what we did, what we lived through, who we once saw, who we saw do what. It should be about who we are. What we're going to do. Where we're going to go.
It should be but it isn't.
I have to be strong. I have to avoid the reality of the situation and be strong. I'm a thousand tonnes of rock supported by the sheer willpower of a thousand matchsticks. I cannot break, or rather I cannot break externally. I cannot allow it.
I may never return here, for which I apologise. Know only that I would not do this lightly.
On the other hand, I might be back next week. Keep 'em guessing and all that.
Wednesday, 20 October 2010
Evening...
I'm currently in the states visiting Mrs RS, so I'll update as and when I can get near a computer (we're road tripping from California to Seattle).
Thursday, 7 October 2010
I'll stop being cynical when the world stops being shit.
I have somewhat of a reputation at work for being cynical. So much in fact, that it was proposed that a 'Cynical Jar' was introduced so that anyone being cynical had to put a pound in it.
I just said that someone would probably just run off and steal the money before it could be used for anything useful, so what was the point?
The idea didn't get raised again. Which just goes to show that cynicism conquers all.
Or so I thought, because my place of work has managed to defeat by massive cynical streak by simply being worse than I could have possibly imagined.
How can you be cynical about something that couldn't actually be any worse? I find myself de-cynicalised, a feeling probably akin to waking up to find yourself strangely missing a hand.
And so, in a mild turn-up for the books, I've gone from acid-drippingly cutting for a couple of months to actually quite happy today. How can I not be happy? I was right. They really were doing that. They really are going to do that thing that even a lobotomised goat-fucker would think twice about. I have no power so I can't stop them doing these bollock-numbingly stupid things, so I may as well go with the flow and enjoy the ride.
If I was on the Titanic I'd be popping open the champagne right now. After all, when there's no tomorrow, who picks up the bill?
I just said that someone would probably just run off and steal the money before it could be used for anything useful, so what was the point?
The idea didn't get raised again. Which just goes to show that cynicism conquers all.
Or so I thought, because my place of work has managed to defeat by massive cynical streak by simply being worse than I could have possibly imagined.
How can you be cynical about something that couldn't actually be any worse? I find myself de-cynicalised, a feeling probably akin to waking up to find yourself strangely missing a hand.
And so, in a mild turn-up for the books, I've gone from acid-drippingly cutting for a couple of months to actually quite happy today. How can I not be happy? I was right. They really were doing that. They really are going to do that thing that even a lobotomised goat-fucker would think twice about. I have no power so I can't stop them doing these bollock-numbingly stupid things, so I may as well go with the flow and enjoy the ride.
If I was on the Titanic I'd be popping open the champagne right now. After all, when there's no tomorrow, who picks up the bill?
Thursday, 23 September 2010
Friday, 17 September 2010
Goddamn it...
I was pretty much going to post this last night but got 'sidetracked', and then I woke up to find that the Daily Mash had done it in a probably funnier way anyway.
So, imagine I wrote this and then come back and tell me how great I am.
Cheers.
So, imagine I wrote this and then come back and tell me how great I am.
Cheers.
Friday, 10 September 2010
If you ask me no questions...
Having been a very bad blogger this year (although in my defence I have some justification for not being online as much), I'm starting to catch up a bit. Only 276 of your blog posts still to read. Piece of cake.
Hmmm.....cake....
Talking of which, a department of the NHS (or Commie Pinko Conspiracy To Leave You Destitute to you Americans) has recently been offering quite large sums of money to anyone who can think of a way to reduce hospital admissions by 30% over two years.
Now that seems quite a drastic reduction in a mere 24 months, until you think about the actual requirement here, which is to reduce admissions by 30%.
Therefore my solution is thus;
Narrower doors.
Bear with me here. You see about 30% of the population are dangerously overweight/obese, and that causes health problems both in the short-term and the long-term. So by simply shrinking the size of all the entrances, no fat person would be able to get in - and if they can't get in then they can't get admitted.
Obviously it's not that simple. For a start, simply changing all the doors wouldn't remotely eat up the huge budget allowed for this, and I'm all about reducing waste. So the next step would be bars on all the ground floor windows to stop an enthusiastic fatty rolling himself through one. I don't think we need to worry about any of the other floors because obese people don't use ladders.
Then we'd change the signs. Doors would now be known as 'Fatty Portals', and to use up the last bit of free cash we'd put up a few inspirational posters like these:
It couldn't possibly fail....
Obviously I jest, but it does highlight the problem with not setting the requirements of a project properly. I have to suffer this on a daily basis as someone who actually does 'the work' on a project. Too often we get ill defined requirements from a customer, deliver exactly that, and then spend the next six months changing it to be what they could've had to start with if only they'd told us what they effing wanted in the first place.
As an example, I have in my inbox a requirement for which I have to provide an estimate of the effort required to complete it. The requirement in its entirety is:
Show statistics on the web
Now that could take ten minutes or ten years depending on how you define 'show', 'statistics' and 'web'. In fact, knowing this particular client, the definitions of 'on' and 'the' are probably up for interpretation too. Whatever estimate I come up with, however, will not be allowed to change and I will be crucified for over-shooting it, yet a realistic (and therefore large) estimate will mean the work goes elsewhere. Joy.
So all of the above is really a roundabout way of saying that I'm off on a Requirements Gathering course next week so won't be around (not that anyone would particularly notice at the moment!). I shall be educated in asking the right questions at the start of a project to make sure the usual problems are not faced. I presume the questions are:
'You want what?'
'You want it when?'
'Are you fucking insane or what?'
Have a nice week y'all.
Hmmm.....cake....
Talking of which, a department of the NHS (or Commie Pinko Conspiracy To Leave You Destitute to you Americans) has recently been offering quite large sums of money to anyone who can think of a way to reduce hospital admissions by 30% over two years.
Now that seems quite a drastic reduction in a mere 24 months, until you think about the actual requirement here, which is to reduce admissions by 30%.
Therefore my solution is thus;
Narrower doors.
Bear with me here. You see about 30% of the population are dangerously overweight/obese, and that causes health problems both in the short-term and the long-term. So by simply shrinking the size of all the entrances, no fat person would be able to get in - and if they can't get in then they can't get admitted.
Obviously it's not that simple. For a start, simply changing all the doors wouldn't remotely eat up the huge budget allowed for this, and I'm all about reducing waste. So the next step would be bars on all the ground floor windows to stop an enthusiastic fatty rolling himself through one. I don't think we need to worry about any of the other floors because obese people don't use ladders.
Then we'd change the signs. Doors would now be known as 'Fatty Portals', and to use up the last bit of free cash we'd put up a few inspirational posters like these:
It couldn't possibly fail....
Obviously I jest, but it does highlight the problem with not setting the requirements of a project properly. I have to suffer this on a daily basis as someone who actually does 'the work' on a project. Too often we get ill defined requirements from a customer, deliver exactly that, and then spend the next six months changing it to be what they could've had to start with if only they'd told us what they effing wanted in the first place.
As an example, I have in my inbox a requirement for which I have to provide an estimate of the effort required to complete it. The requirement in its entirety is:
Show statistics on the web
Now that could take ten minutes or ten years depending on how you define 'show', 'statistics' and 'web'. In fact, knowing this particular client, the definitions of 'on' and 'the' are probably up for interpretation too. Whatever estimate I come up with, however, will not be allowed to change and I will be crucified for over-shooting it, yet a realistic (and therefore large) estimate will mean the work goes elsewhere. Joy.
So all of the above is really a roundabout way of saying that I'm off on a Requirements Gathering course next week so won't be around (not that anyone would particularly notice at the moment!). I shall be educated in asking the right questions at the start of a project to make sure the usual problems are not faced. I presume the questions are:
'You want what?'
'You want it when?'
'Are you fucking insane or what?'
Have a nice week y'all.
Tuesday, 7 September 2010
Is the Pope catholic?
Well, yes he is - and he's a freeloading old bastard as well - but as rhetorical questions go that's probably one of the better examples.
The best example however, is definitely today's Daily Mail frontpage. Regular readers will know of the general disdain I hold for all staff, journalists or readers of that hideous rag, but today is a new highlight.
So without further ado, here it is (with helpful zooming in for those hard of squinting):
Now, let me think about it for a second......
The best example however, is definitely today's Daily Mail frontpage. Regular readers will know of the general disdain I hold for all staff, journalists or readers of that hideous rag, but today is a new highlight.
So without further ado, here it is (with helpful zooming in for those hard of squinting):
Now, let me think about it for a second......
Thursday, 19 August 2010
A question.
In your lifetime you've probably - many times - heard (especially if you're English) someone say "There's always someone worse off!"
Have you ever wondered if you're the person they're talking about?
Have you ever wondered if you're the person they're talking about?
Saturday, 14 August 2010
Crystal Ball time part 2...
It's time for my 2010/11 Season Predictions!
1) Manure to win the league. I feel their young players are starting to bed in more into the side and they never give up.
2) Chelsea, but not by much.
3) Miles behind will be Arsenal - just not good enough in defence to go the whole season and how motivated is Fabregas?
4) Tough one this but I've got a feeling that Spurs can get 4th again even with the Champion's League commitments and no major signings. Sandro (once he arrives in September) should transform our formation to a 4-2-3-1 and this will help us away from home a lot.
5) Man City for 5th (again). Too many new players not used to the Premier League will mean a very slow start and I just don't think they'll recover. Probably win the league the year after though!
6) Very tight this but I've got to go for Liverpool over Everton purely because they have a bigger squad. However if Everton stay injury free and Torres has another six-month 'niggle' then they could swap.
7) 8th is the best Villa can hope for after imploding like that and probably losing Milner and Young.
8) Biggest surprise of the season? My bet is Bolton who I can see finishing in the top half.
9) Biggest disappointment of the season? Stoke, who will be a lot closer to relegation than they'd like to be.
10) The three relegated teams will be Blackpool, West Brom and Wigan - with Wolves, Newcastle and Blackburn not significantly further ahead.
11) Top scorer in the league is likely to be Drogba again. There's not a huge amount of competition!
12) I've got to go for a Premier League player having a drugs ban here. This will happen eventually :)
13) Spurs will get into the group stages of the Champion's League, scrape into the knock-out round and then drop out at the last 16 phase.
14) No English side will win a European trophy, although at least one finalist will be from the Premier League.
15) A team wearing blue shall win the FA Cup. Actually, why beat around the bush - Chelsea shall win the FA Cup.
16) First manager to be sacked is likely to be Mancini if Man City are out of the top four by November, although it's possible that Newcastle will panic if bottom after a couple of months and sack Chris Hughton. I hope they don't because he's ex-Spurs.
17) League Cup is too close to call - too many sides will play the reserves and will drop out. Suffice to say the the semi-finals shouldn't contain more than 2 of the top 4 in the Premier League last season (the new 'Big 4' weenie ;-P )
18) England to win every single Euro 2012 qualifier during this football season.
19) Tom Huddlestone will win his first competitive cap for England during this season.
20) And completely randomly, one of Newcastle, West Brom or Blackpool will pull of a shock victory in the first weekend (seeing as they're playing Manure, Chelsea and away at Wigan that's a really unlikely one!).
1) Manure to win the league. I feel their young players are starting to bed in more into the side and they never give up.
2) Chelsea, but not by much.
3) Miles behind will be Arsenal - just not good enough in defence to go the whole season and how motivated is Fabregas?
4) Tough one this but I've got a feeling that Spurs can get 4th again even with the Champion's League commitments and no major signings. Sandro (once he arrives in September) should transform our formation to a 4-2-3-1 and this will help us away from home a lot.
5) Man City for 5th (again). Too many new players not used to the Premier League will mean a very slow start and I just don't think they'll recover. Probably win the league the year after though!
6) Very tight this but I've got to go for Liverpool over Everton purely because they have a bigger squad. However if Everton stay injury free and Torres has another six-month 'niggle' then they could swap.
7) 8th is the best Villa can hope for after imploding like that and probably losing Milner and Young.
8) Biggest surprise of the season? My bet is Bolton who I can see finishing in the top half.
9) Biggest disappointment of the season? Stoke, who will be a lot closer to relegation than they'd like to be.
10) The three relegated teams will be Blackpool, West Brom and Wigan - with Wolves, Newcastle and Blackburn not significantly further ahead.
11) Top scorer in the league is likely to be Drogba again. There's not a huge amount of competition!
12) I've got to go for a Premier League player having a drugs ban here. This will happen eventually :)
13) Spurs will get into the group stages of the Champion's League, scrape into the knock-out round and then drop out at the last 16 phase.
14) No English side will win a European trophy, although at least one finalist will be from the Premier League.
15) A team wearing blue shall win the FA Cup. Actually, why beat around the bush - Chelsea shall win the FA Cup.
16) First manager to be sacked is likely to be Mancini if Man City are out of the top four by November, although it's possible that Newcastle will panic if bottom after a couple of months and sack Chris Hughton. I hope they don't because he's ex-Spurs.
17) League Cup is too close to call - too many sides will play the reserves and will drop out. Suffice to say the the semi-finals shouldn't contain more than 2 of the top 4 in the Premier League last season (the new 'Big 4' weenie ;-P )
18) England to win every single Euro 2012 qualifier during this football season.
19) Tom Huddlestone will win his first competitive cap for England during this season.
20) And completely randomly, one of Newcastle, West Brom or Blackpool will pull of a shock victory in the first weekend (seeing as they're playing Manure, Chelsea and away at Wigan that's a really unlikely one!).
Crystal ball time...
With expert timing I've waited until 3 hours before the season kicks off to appraise last year's football predictions and make some for this season.
So without further ado, here's last year's predictions with results:
1) The winners of the Premiership this season will be.....Chelsea. A brave shout, but I think that their squad is old and experienced and so is their coach. Ancelotti will bring the best tactically out of what is still a pretty strong group.
Correct - Chelsea won the double in fact.
2) Second in the league will be.......Manure. Yes they lost Ronaldo and haven't replaced him with anything approaching the same ability, but removing the diving tosser from their side gives them a better formation to suit the other players.
Correct - it was close at the top but a bigger gap back to 3rd.
3) Third will be.......Liverpool. Losing Alonso is a bad blow, and any injury to Torres of Gerrard will be curtains for any title bid.
Incredibly wrong as Liverpool imploded. Gerrard had a terrible season by his standards, and Torres played under half of their games and didn't look at all fit after Christmas. I thought that they'd struggle to challenge but not end up 7th like they did. I guess their squad players really were rubbish.
4) Fourth will be.......Arsenal. Sorry Man City, I just can't see your best side emerge until too late in the season to challenge the gooners. Having said that, if the scummer's injury list get any worse then even holding on to fourth could be problematic.
Wrong, although not by much as only Liverpool's shocking season meant they finished 3rd. They were never really in the title race, but better than all the sides listed below.
5) I can't see beyond Man City, though they'll be closer to 6th than 4th.
Correct, although there wasn't much between 4th and 7th in terms of points.
6) I'm fancying Everton for 6th. Unless Lescott moves, then they might swap with Villa.
Lescott did move, and they did finish below Villa. However they finished in 8th so I'll have to count it as a qualified failure.
7) Villa for 7th. I'd hoped we'd poach Young but that looks a non-starter, and though they've lost Laursen and Barry I don't see them dropping off that much.
Mainly wrong as Villa finished 6th but only by a fraction.
8) Time for realism. I just don't get the feeling that Spurs will push on this season. It's a stabilising year for us. Yes we'll beat the big teams but we'll crumble at times and lose stupid games when the big teams would close it out.
Well we did beat the big teams (Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal all losing at the Lane) and we did lose to the small teams as well (Wolves home and away for example). However we finished 4th :)
I must admit to having tried some reverse psychology here. I predicted them to come 4th for two years and they didn't, so I thought I'd be pessimistic this time. Might have to tip them for relegation this year!
9) The three relegated teams will be Portsmouth, Wigan and Birmingham
One out of three correct. Burnley and Hull were the ones I didn't get. Fail.
10) Top scorer in the league will be Jermaine Defoe (oh come on, allow me some Spurs bias!)
The top scorer was..........Didier Drogba on 29, with Jermaine Defoe coming in 6th with 18. Ah well, at least this one wasn't a serious prediction :)
11) Michael Owen will not score more than 15 league goals
He was 113th top scorer with 3 goals. Result.
12) But Darren Bent will
He was 3rd top scorer with 24. Kerching!
13) First Manager to be sacked will be Martinez of Wigan
Surprisingly not. I can't even remember who was sacked first. Possibly Jewell at Portsmouth after 42 minutes or something.
14) Spurs will be in the top four at Christmas
And they were! :)
15) A Premiership player will test positive for drugs (or will be penalised for not taking a test)
I'm going to keep repeating this one as it has to come true eventually!
16) England will qualify for the World Cup with the best record of any European country
They were one course until the final game, when having already qualified they drew away from home, handing the best record tag to Holland. Close but no cigar.
17) Spain will win the World Cup. They will meet Argentina in the final (after they beat England) and will win 2-1 with a goal from a winger in the 74th minute.
Spain did indeed win the World Cup, the other bits weren't true though. I'll claim a half point.
18) The squad that Capello picks for England at the World Cup finals will include Rooney, Heskey, Defoe and Owen, although Owen won't play a game.
The forwards picked were Rooney, Heskey, Defoe and Crouch. Although Owen was talked about by some quarters he was never in contention for a spot (quite rightly too).
19) Sunderland will finish in the top ten
Sunderland finished 13th, 6 points off 10th. They were up there for a while but had a disastrous February and lost every game. They never recovered from it.
20) Newcastle will not get promoted back to the Premiership this year.
My reasoning here was that their owner would have them up for sale all season, fail to get a buyer or put money in and they'd sell their few good players to make ends meet. However their owner had a change of heart and they didn't need to sell anyone, meaning that they won the league at a canter. I'll claim that as a near-miss ;)
So my final score was 6 and a half - possibly my lowest score. Senility must be playing its part :(
So without further ado, here's last year's predictions with results:
1) The winners of the Premiership this season will be.....Chelsea. A brave shout, but I think that their squad is old and experienced and so is their coach. Ancelotti will bring the best tactically out of what is still a pretty strong group.
Correct - Chelsea won the double in fact.
2) Second in the league will be.......Manure. Yes they lost Ronaldo and haven't replaced him with anything approaching the same ability, but removing the diving tosser from their side gives them a better formation to suit the other players.
Correct - it was close at the top but a bigger gap back to 3rd.
3) Third will be.......Liverpool. Losing Alonso is a bad blow, and any injury to Torres of Gerrard will be curtains for any title bid.
Incredibly wrong as Liverpool imploded. Gerrard had a terrible season by his standards, and Torres played under half of their games and didn't look at all fit after Christmas. I thought that they'd struggle to challenge but not end up 7th like they did. I guess their squad players really were rubbish.
4) Fourth will be.......Arsenal. Sorry Man City, I just can't see your best side emerge until too late in the season to challenge the gooners. Having said that, if the scummer's injury list get any worse then even holding on to fourth could be problematic.
Wrong, although not by much as only Liverpool's shocking season meant they finished 3rd. They were never really in the title race, but better than all the sides listed below.
5) I can't see beyond Man City, though they'll be closer to 6th than 4th.
Correct, although there wasn't much between 4th and 7th in terms of points.
6) I'm fancying Everton for 6th. Unless Lescott moves, then they might swap with Villa.
Lescott did move, and they did finish below Villa. However they finished in 8th so I'll have to count it as a qualified failure.
7) Villa for 7th. I'd hoped we'd poach Young but that looks a non-starter, and though they've lost Laursen and Barry I don't see them dropping off that much.
Mainly wrong as Villa finished 6th but only by a fraction.
8) Time for realism. I just don't get the feeling that Spurs will push on this season. It's a stabilising year for us. Yes we'll beat the big teams but we'll crumble at times and lose stupid games when the big teams would close it out.
Well we did beat the big teams (Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal all losing at the Lane) and we did lose to the small teams as well (Wolves home and away for example). However we finished 4th :)
I must admit to having tried some reverse psychology here. I predicted them to come 4th for two years and they didn't, so I thought I'd be pessimistic this time. Might have to tip them for relegation this year!
9) The three relegated teams will be Portsmouth, Wigan and Birmingham
One out of three correct. Burnley and Hull were the ones I didn't get. Fail.
10) Top scorer in the league will be Jermaine Defoe (oh come on, allow me some Spurs bias!)
The top scorer was..........Didier Drogba on 29, with Jermaine Defoe coming in 6th with 18. Ah well, at least this one wasn't a serious prediction :)
11) Michael Owen will not score more than 15 league goals
He was 113th top scorer with 3 goals. Result.
12) But Darren Bent will
He was 3rd top scorer with 24. Kerching!
13) First Manager to be sacked will be Martinez of Wigan
Surprisingly not. I can't even remember who was sacked first. Possibly Jewell at Portsmouth after 42 minutes or something.
14) Spurs will be in the top four at Christmas
And they were! :)
15) A Premiership player will test positive for drugs (or will be penalised for not taking a test)
I'm going to keep repeating this one as it has to come true eventually!
16) England will qualify for the World Cup with the best record of any European country
They were one course until the final game, when having already qualified they drew away from home, handing the best record tag to Holland. Close but no cigar.
17) Spain will win the World Cup. They will meet Argentina in the final (after they beat England) and will win 2-1 with a goal from a winger in the 74th minute.
Spain did indeed win the World Cup, the other bits weren't true though. I'll claim a half point.
18) The squad that Capello picks for England at the World Cup finals will include Rooney, Heskey, Defoe and Owen, although Owen won't play a game.
The forwards picked were Rooney, Heskey, Defoe and Crouch. Although Owen was talked about by some quarters he was never in contention for a spot (quite rightly too).
19) Sunderland will finish in the top ten
Sunderland finished 13th, 6 points off 10th. They were up there for a while but had a disastrous February and lost every game. They never recovered from it.
20) Newcastle will not get promoted back to the Premiership this year.
My reasoning here was that their owner would have them up for sale all season, fail to get a buyer or put money in and they'd sell their few good players to make ends meet. However their owner had a change of heart and they didn't need to sell anyone, meaning that they won the league at a canter. I'll claim that as a near-miss ;)
So my final score was 6 and a half - possibly my lowest score. Senility must be playing its part :(
Thursday, 12 August 2010
Buses, that's what I'm like...
...you successfully avoid me for a month and then two posts in two days.
Sometimes I think I spoil you.
Don't hit me.
Anyway, I mentioned that a lot of my time had been spent making a prop for Mrs RS over the last month or so. This isn't something I normally do - I used to do some modelling in my early teens (that's making models rather than having my picture taken obviously) for those little lead-figure 'Warhammer' type games (not that I ever actually played, I just liked making things) - but Mrs RS wanted 'help' with it and I said I'd chip in here and there.
Mrs RS loves three thing in life (if you don't count cake, wine, vodka, ice cream or chicken); Me (goes without saying), Heurelho Gomes (goalkeeper for Spurs) and Bioshock. Bioshock, if you don't already know, was a huge PC/console game a few years back. Bioshock 2 came out last year. Mrs RS most emphatically doesn't love Bioshock 2. As part of her massive love-in of all Bioshock she's going to some sort of comic/game convention on the west coast of the US later in the month and she wanted to go in costume, specifically as a 'Little Sister'.
A Little Sister is a kind of brainwashed ten year-old girl who walks around the undersea city where the game is set collecting 'Adam' (a genetic substance you need to give yourself abilities throughout the game) from corpses using a fuck-off syringe. The Little Sisters are protected by Big Daddies who are the more recognisable face of the game as they're basically a huge 20's diving suit with a massive drill in one hand. Let me find a picture....ah yes, you may recognise it:
Mrs RS is sorting out her dress for the costume and I agreed to 'assist' (i.e. practically do it all) with the syringe. This isn't the first time this has been done at all - this guy did a brilliant one, but then he does it professionally - but I wanted to do it in such a way that;
a) we did it on the cheap using whatever we could find lying around if possible
b) we did it without using anything other than the usual DIY tools I have somewhere
c) the trigger turned the light on and off (not something I'd seen done yet).
This is what we were trying to make:
We knew it was based around a 20's/30's US-style brass petrol pump nozzle, and we promptly missed out on a really cheap one on ebay (they normally go for well over a hundred dollars). Instead we had to settle for a modern replica. This was the only part we really needed to buy.
So to start with, here's our pile of parts:
A petrol pump nozzle, an empty lemsip bottle, some assorted bits of plumbing plastic parts I found in my DIY cupboard, a length of wooden dowel rod, some milliput epoxy putty to sculpt edges and joins and some assorted electrical components I picked up for a couple of quid from Maplins.
It was obvious that our switch would need to go in the neck of the bottle, so to be operated by the trigger handle (inside the nozzle) we'd need to drill a hole through the middle of the top cap. At the same time, I stripped off the labels from the bottle and filed down the thread so that it would fit inside the plumbing part. As you can see here:
The next step was to sort out the wiring as the battery pack would need to sit in the end cap but everything else would be in the bottle. To do this some precision drilling had to be done to get the wires through the nozzle without disturbing the spring inside the nozzle or our trigger mechanism. I also attached some of the dowel rod to the trigger so that when pulled it would project from the top cap - as shown in these two pics:
Unlike other versions I'd seen, I wanted the light to be coming from inside the middle of the bottle. How to do this? Well I figured I'd use a glue pen casing (cut in half) inserted inside the bottle to create an airtight seal, and then have my LED inside that. More progress made in this pic as the bottle cap was broken apart to use in the end cap and switch mount:
So, next up was the light. I mounted the switch at the correct distance from the top cap for the dowel to switch it both on and off (achieved using part of the bottle top, filed down) and fixed it inside the hexagonal plumbing part using superglue. I soldered the LED onto the switch and the battery wires and then sealed the whole shebang into place with milliput:
When the battery pack was manually connected, you can see that the low-voltage, high-brightness LED was the correct choice (and note how I've marked the negative wire either end with black electrical tape. Such a geek.):
I'd pretty much been winging it here - after all I'd not done anything like this for over 20 years, and certainly no soldering for the same amount of time - but I felt the principle had been proved here so I cracked on with the other parts. The end cap I made with a piece of plastic pipe, the end of the bottle lid and some filed down milliput. I also tried out the 'brass' spray paint which looked more like 'whore's gold' to me. The bottle was filled with a mixture of half-set strawberry jelly mixed with the glue from the glue pen. I'd hoped this would make it quite viscous but unless it gets to 2-3C in the conference hall then it'll be quite liquid! The glue pen casing you can see superglued into place in the neck of the bottle:
The bottle was then fixed into place (and the original milliput sanded down to be flush to the plastic:
The next step was to seal it in with a watertight seal, which I did with sculpted milliput (amazing useful stuff as it's heat and water resistant once set):
The battery pack was soldered in and fitted inside the end cap which was glued and milliputted into place. Also, the teat from a baby's bottle was added to the top of the bottle (in the game the little sisters drink from this after harvesting the adam which is rather disgusting):
The needle we made (Mrs RS helped with this bit) from a piece of dowel sealed within half a cork from a wine bottle, then sprayed a dull silver:
The rest of the nozzle needed painting now, so after swaddling the other bits with masking tape I sprayed the nozzle and added parts pseudo-brass and the ring holding the teat in place a dull silver to make it look metallic:
The base-coat done, it now needed weathering which we did with an initial mix of acrylic black paint and turps to give a streaky black mark look:
The needle was then decorated by Mrs RS with dark-red nail varnish to give it proper 'splattered with blood' look (although it's a bit hard to tell from this pic):
The final step was then to give it a couple of 'washes' with enamel black paint mixed with enamel thinner to give it a grimy look, before a layer of matt varnish. Here it is finished, with light on and off:
Just to show that I really did get the trigger to work, here's Mrs RS showing it working (complete with her new mid-Atlantic accent) :) :
You can why it took some time! :)
Sometimes I think I spoil you.
Don't hit me.
Anyway, I mentioned that a lot of my time had been spent making a prop for Mrs RS over the last month or so. This isn't something I normally do - I used to do some modelling in my early teens (that's making models rather than having my picture taken obviously) for those little lead-figure 'Warhammer' type games (not that I ever actually played, I just liked making things) - but Mrs RS wanted 'help' with it and I said I'd chip in here and there.
Mrs RS loves three thing in life (if you don't count cake, wine, vodka, ice cream or chicken); Me (goes without saying), Heurelho Gomes (goalkeeper for Spurs) and Bioshock. Bioshock, if you don't already know, was a huge PC/console game a few years back. Bioshock 2 came out last year. Mrs RS most emphatically doesn't love Bioshock 2. As part of her massive love-in of all Bioshock she's going to some sort of comic/game convention on the west coast of the US later in the month and she wanted to go in costume, specifically as a 'Little Sister'.
A Little Sister is a kind of brainwashed ten year-old girl who walks around the undersea city where the game is set collecting 'Adam' (a genetic substance you need to give yourself abilities throughout the game) from corpses using a fuck-off syringe. The Little Sisters are protected by Big Daddies who are the more recognisable face of the game as they're basically a huge 20's diving suit with a massive drill in one hand. Let me find a picture....ah yes, you may recognise it:
Mrs RS is sorting out her dress for the costume and I agreed to 'assist' (i.e. practically do it all) with the syringe. This isn't the first time this has been done at all - this guy did a brilliant one, but then he does it professionally - but I wanted to do it in such a way that;
a) we did it on the cheap using whatever we could find lying around if possible
b) we did it without using anything other than the usual DIY tools I have somewhere
c) the trigger turned the light on and off (not something I'd seen done yet).
This is what we were trying to make:
We knew it was based around a 20's/30's US-style brass petrol pump nozzle, and we promptly missed out on a really cheap one on ebay (they normally go for well over a hundred dollars). Instead we had to settle for a modern replica. This was the only part we really needed to buy.
So to start with, here's our pile of parts:
A petrol pump nozzle, an empty lemsip bottle, some assorted bits of plumbing plastic parts I found in my DIY cupboard, a length of wooden dowel rod, some milliput epoxy putty to sculpt edges and joins and some assorted electrical components I picked up for a couple of quid from Maplins.
It was obvious that our switch would need to go in the neck of the bottle, so to be operated by the trigger handle (inside the nozzle) we'd need to drill a hole through the middle of the top cap. At the same time, I stripped off the labels from the bottle and filed down the thread so that it would fit inside the plumbing part. As you can see here:
The next step was to sort out the wiring as the battery pack would need to sit in the end cap but everything else would be in the bottle. To do this some precision drilling had to be done to get the wires through the nozzle without disturbing the spring inside the nozzle or our trigger mechanism. I also attached some of the dowel rod to the trigger so that when pulled it would project from the top cap - as shown in these two pics:
Unlike other versions I'd seen, I wanted the light to be coming from inside the middle of the bottle. How to do this? Well I figured I'd use a glue pen casing (cut in half) inserted inside the bottle to create an airtight seal, and then have my LED inside that. More progress made in this pic as the bottle cap was broken apart to use in the end cap and switch mount:
So, next up was the light. I mounted the switch at the correct distance from the top cap for the dowel to switch it both on and off (achieved using part of the bottle top, filed down) and fixed it inside the hexagonal plumbing part using superglue. I soldered the LED onto the switch and the battery wires and then sealed the whole shebang into place with milliput:
When the battery pack was manually connected, you can see that the low-voltage, high-brightness LED was the correct choice (and note how I've marked the negative wire either end with black electrical tape. Such a geek.):
I'd pretty much been winging it here - after all I'd not done anything like this for over 20 years, and certainly no soldering for the same amount of time - but I felt the principle had been proved here so I cracked on with the other parts. The end cap I made with a piece of plastic pipe, the end of the bottle lid and some filed down milliput. I also tried out the 'brass' spray paint which looked more like 'whore's gold' to me. The bottle was filled with a mixture of half-set strawberry jelly mixed with the glue from the glue pen. I'd hoped this would make it quite viscous but unless it gets to 2-3C in the conference hall then it'll be quite liquid! The glue pen casing you can see superglued into place in the neck of the bottle:
The bottle was then fixed into place (and the original milliput sanded down to be flush to the plastic:
The next step was to seal it in with a watertight seal, which I did with sculpted milliput (amazing useful stuff as it's heat and water resistant once set):
The battery pack was soldered in and fitted inside the end cap which was glued and milliputted into place. Also, the teat from a baby's bottle was added to the top of the bottle (in the game the little sisters drink from this after harvesting the adam which is rather disgusting):
The needle we made (Mrs RS helped with this bit) from a piece of dowel sealed within half a cork from a wine bottle, then sprayed a dull silver:
The rest of the nozzle needed painting now, so after swaddling the other bits with masking tape I sprayed the nozzle and added parts pseudo-brass and the ring holding the teat in place a dull silver to make it look metallic:
The base-coat done, it now needed weathering which we did with an initial mix of acrylic black paint and turps to give a streaky black mark look:
The needle was then decorated by Mrs RS with dark-red nail varnish to give it proper 'splattered with blood' look (although it's a bit hard to tell from this pic):
The final step was then to give it a couple of 'washes' with enamel black paint mixed with enamel thinner to give it a grimy look, before a layer of matt varnish. Here it is finished, with light on and off:
Just to show that I really did get the trigger to work, here's Mrs RS showing it working (complete with her new mid-Atlantic accent) :) :
You can why it took some time! :)
Wednesday, 11 August 2010
Hello, what's all this then?
I've not been here for ages! I also appear to have 476 blog posts in my reader. Christ.
It's been a bit mental recently - memorial day on the other side of the country for my friend Edd who died at the end of June, followed by stag-do, followed by a friend visiting from Australia, followed by family wedding, followed by ill cat (now minus several teeth) - and all that alongside work being a 'challenging environment' right now, my time/motion project that will be complete by the end of the year, building a prop for Mrs RS and then Mrs RS going back to the US yesterday to redo visas and.....
*deep breath*
...whatever, you get the picture. In fact, you'll get several :)
First off, the eddshrinker memorial cup which we organized last month. I knew Edd from football, specifically watching Spurs. We were both members of a closed forum and conversed on it just about every day for a couple of years, as well as meeting up regularly at actual games. He was a lovely guy - not just World Sudoku Champion (seriously) - but someone whom you met once and it felt like you'd known him all your life. There were 24 people from the forum at his funeral and we thought we'd organise a football match in his memory (as well as an opportunity to all get together and raise a glass in his direction).
I designed and got the t-shirts printed and someone else did the flag for the european away games we'll be doing this season. Here's some of us pre-match (I'm on the left in goalie gloves as I'd stupidly agreed to go in goal!):
I've blurred faces to preserve anonymity, but frankly it looks a bit creepy like that. Whoops.
And I'm not fat, thank you for thinking it though.
The game and the day were good fun - got sunburnt to fuck as the weather forecast said rain not blazing sunshine - although we (the whites) lost in the end. We were 4-0 down at half time as the blacks tore us apart and were using deeply unsporting tactics like 'passing', 'shooting' and 'scoring'. I kept the score down quite well as it could have been ten.
In the second half I got bored at the guys playing up front for us never passing and never scoring so I took on half their team from my own goal line and scored the best goal I'll probably ever score :)
Don't believe me? Here it is in blurry technicolour! Um, it might take a while to load it seems. Totally worth it.
Class is permanent *dons sunglasses*
The pile-on at the end nearly cracked a rib though :)
Now excuse me, I have some of your posts to read!
It's been a bit mental recently - memorial day on the other side of the country for my friend Edd who died at the end of June, followed by stag-do, followed by a friend visiting from Australia, followed by family wedding, followed by ill cat (now minus several teeth) - and all that alongside work being a 'challenging environment' right now, my time/motion project that will be complete by the end of the year, building a prop for Mrs RS and then Mrs RS going back to the US yesterday to redo visas and.....
*deep breath*
...whatever, you get the picture. In fact, you'll get several :)
First off, the eddshrinker memorial cup which we organized last month. I knew Edd from football, specifically watching Spurs. We were both members of a closed forum and conversed on it just about every day for a couple of years, as well as meeting up regularly at actual games. He was a lovely guy - not just World Sudoku Champion (seriously) - but someone whom you met once and it felt like you'd known him all your life. There were 24 people from the forum at his funeral and we thought we'd organise a football match in his memory (as well as an opportunity to all get together and raise a glass in his direction).
I designed and got the t-shirts printed and someone else did the flag for the european away games we'll be doing this season. Here's some of us pre-match (I'm on the left in goalie gloves as I'd stupidly agreed to go in goal!):
I've blurred faces to preserve anonymity, but frankly it looks a bit creepy like that. Whoops.
And I'm not fat, thank you for thinking it though.
The game and the day were good fun - got sunburnt to fuck as the weather forecast said rain not blazing sunshine - although we (the whites) lost in the end. We were 4-0 down at half time as the blacks tore us apart and were using deeply unsporting tactics like 'passing', 'shooting' and 'scoring'. I kept the score down quite well as it could have been ten.
In the second half I got bored at the guys playing up front for us never passing and never scoring so I took on half their team from my own goal line and scored the best goal I'll probably ever score :)
Don't believe me? Here it is in blurry technicolour! Um, it might take a while to load it seems. Totally worth it.
Class is permanent *dons sunglasses*
The pile-on at the end nearly cracked a rib though :)
Now excuse me, I have some of your posts to read!
Saturday, 10 July 2010
Hmph.
Do you know what the highlight of my working day is?
Probably not, but you want to know right?
Probably not, but sod it - I'm telling you anyway.
The highlight of my working day is arriving at work to find that the old lady that washes the spoons (or the 'Refreshment Officer' if I'm to be correct) has actually washed the spoons. The small effort required to wash a spoon before making my caffeine re-humanisation drink is enough to make or break my entire day.
I suspect I'm therefore in a rut.
However it is a paying rut, so it's a rut that I'll continue to furrow until this country has an economy again.
I feel rutted.
Probably not, but you want to know right?
Probably not, but sod it - I'm telling you anyway.
The highlight of my working day is arriving at work to find that the old lady that washes the spoons (or the 'Refreshment Officer' if I'm to be correct) has actually washed the spoons. The small effort required to wash a spoon before making my caffeine re-humanisation drink is enough to make or break my entire day.
I suspect I'm therefore in a rut.
However it is a paying rut, so it's a rut that I'll continue to furrow until this country has an economy again.
I feel rutted.
Monday, 21 June 2010
The Cheerful News Bulletin
You may remember I posted a couple of months ago about a good friend of mine who had been diagnosed with something terminal. Well as part of his campaign to raise awareness of the problems with the organ donor procedures in this country (that results in around 1,000 people a year dying while waiting for a transplant), he agreed to a centre page spread in the News Of The World yesterday (the biggest selling Sunday newspaper here, that just so happens to be on my work's internet banned list as being 'Tasteless and Obscene').
You can read the story and/or watch the video here.
Also, if you're in the UK and are not currently on the organ donor list, then please consider doing so here.
Also, RIP Edd - who died suddenly yesterday on his 28th birthday. A tragic loss to everyone who knew him. My thoughts go out to his family.
It seems that the old saying 'Only the good die young' is particularly apt this year.
My favourite clip of Edd is one of him and a friend playing a piano placed at Liverpool Street station for anyone passing to play.
You can read the story and/or watch the video here.
Also, if you're in the UK and are not currently on the organ donor list, then please consider doing so here.
Also, RIP Edd - who died suddenly yesterday on his 28th birthday. A tragic loss to everyone who knew him. My thoughts go out to his family.
It seems that the old saying 'Only the good die young' is particularly apt this year.
My favourite clip of Edd is one of him and a friend playing a piano placed at Liverpool Street station for anyone passing to play.
Wednesday, 9 June 2010
Hokey Cokey...
Mrs RS has been in and out of hospital and/or doctors for most of the last fortnight so I've kind of been away from the internet for a while. I'll try and catch up and comment and stuff over the weekend.
She was getting better, but today the 'nice' nurses that come in to administer her IV drugs managed to collapse a vein, so we have to go back to the hospital tomorrow to get another IV put in. Hopefully a final ten days of meds and then we'll both stop looking like zombies (neither of us are sleeping at the moment).
Thankfully any overnight stays on ward have been avoided, although we've spent many hours sitting on uncomfortable chairs/beds surrounded by sweaty, dying people and a cacophony of beeps from various devices that conspire to sound almost like Belgian techno without quite managing it. In many respects it like being in a massive microwave with an out-of-date Findus crispy pancake, or possibly even the least healthy McDonalds kitchen where no-one's bothered to take the fries out of the fryers.
Either way, hospital clearly makes you ill. Mrs RS shamelessly cried to get out of it, so we get home nurses now.
Anyway, I did discover that the Bristol Royal Infirmary has one of these:
A department of Gadgetology? I wanna work there.
She was getting better, but today the 'nice' nurses that come in to administer her IV drugs managed to collapse a vein, so we have to go back to the hospital tomorrow to get another IV put in. Hopefully a final ten days of meds and then we'll both stop looking like zombies (neither of us are sleeping at the moment).
Thankfully any overnight stays on ward have been avoided, although we've spent many hours sitting on uncomfortable chairs/beds surrounded by sweaty, dying people and a cacophony of beeps from various devices that conspire to sound almost like Belgian techno without quite managing it. In many respects it like being in a massive microwave with an out-of-date Findus crispy pancake, or possibly even the least healthy McDonalds kitchen where no-one's bothered to take the fries out of the fryers.
Either way, hospital clearly makes you ill. Mrs RS shamelessly cried to get out of it, so we get home nurses now.
Anyway, I did discover that the Bristol Royal Infirmary has one of these:
A department of Gadgetology? I wanna work there.
Sunday, 30 May 2010
Red Squirrel's Film Reviews. Parts 4 and 5.
This week's double special is:
The Ghost
Review:
Forgive me for a departure in my usual style, but we actually saw this film a few weeks ago at my suggestion. Based on the novel by Robert Harris (although I believe it goes by the name 'The Ghostwriter' in the US because apparently people there are considered too thick by the studios to not accidentally turn up to a horror film) of the same name, it's a taut political thriller.
I've always been a fan of Harris' written work (particularly Fatherland and Pompeii) but at times his adaptations have veered significantly from the essence of the source material (Enigma, for example) and sadly the same is true with The Ghost.
The final twist is subverted and made into a ridiculously over-the-top dramatic invention for no real reason - because frankly if you hadn't worked out the 'twist' by then due to some serious over-acting by certain cast members then you were a bit dim. The 'reveal' scene is faithfully done from the book but lacks any reason for the main character's motivation due to the acting of Ewan McGregor who does a fantastic 'puzzled and baffled' but that's about it. He's our Ben Affleck, if you will.
The film was shot against the backdrop of the director's impending extradition to the US, and despite being supportive of many of his previous works (films this is, not the forced sodomy of 13 year old girls), this one seemed lazy. For example, every shot in London featured an old Routemaster double-decker bus. Now they run on two heritage routes only and have done for years, so to use them smacked of bored corner cutting. They may as well have just done a stock photo of Big Ben with 'London, England' captioned underneath it.
Overall, disappointing.
Four Lions
Review:
A film that will almost certainly never be released in the US, it is nonetheless the funniest film I've seen in the last ten years. Scripted in part by Chris Morris (author of the fabulous satire Brass Eye with its Paedogeddon special) it's a brilliant film about four wanna-be suicide bombers from Sheffield.
Part pant-wettingly hilarious comedy, it's also deeply moving and touching in places. If you don't think there's comedy to be had in terrorism then this film isn't for you, but if you appreciate cynical, dry humour then you'll have an absolute hoot.
Don't watch the trailer btw, as it gives too much away. Instead, here's a clip that gives you some idea of the tone. I can honestly say that if you miss this film, you miss a small sliver of joy and happiness in this otherwise deeply crap world.
The Ghost
Review:
Forgive me for a departure in my usual style, but we actually saw this film a few weeks ago at my suggestion. Based on the novel by Robert Harris (although I believe it goes by the name 'The Ghostwriter' in the US because apparently people there are considered too thick by the studios to not accidentally turn up to a horror film) of the same name, it's a taut political thriller.
I've always been a fan of Harris' written work (particularly Fatherland and Pompeii) but at times his adaptations have veered significantly from the essence of the source material (Enigma, for example) and sadly the same is true with The Ghost.
The final twist is subverted and made into a ridiculously over-the-top dramatic invention for no real reason - because frankly if you hadn't worked out the 'twist' by then due to some serious over-acting by certain cast members then you were a bit dim. The 'reveal' scene is faithfully done from the book but lacks any reason for the main character's motivation due to the acting of Ewan McGregor who does a fantastic 'puzzled and baffled' but that's about it. He's our Ben Affleck, if you will.
The film was shot against the backdrop of the director's impending extradition to the US, and despite being supportive of many of his previous works (films this is, not the forced sodomy of 13 year old girls), this one seemed lazy. For example, every shot in London featured an old Routemaster double-decker bus. Now they run on two heritage routes only and have done for years, so to use them smacked of bored corner cutting. They may as well have just done a stock photo of Big Ben with 'London, England' captioned underneath it.
Overall, disappointing.
Four Lions
Review:
A film that will almost certainly never be released in the US, it is nonetheless the funniest film I've seen in the last ten years. Scripted in part by Chris Morris (author of the fabulous satire Brass Eye with its Paedogeddon special) it's a brilliant film about four wanna-be suicide bombers from Sheffield.
Part pant-wettingly hilarious comedy, it's also deeply moving and touching in places. If you don't think there's comedy to be had in terrorism then this film isn't for you, but if you appreciate cynical, dry humour then you'll have an absolute hoot.
Don't watch the trailer btw, as it gives too much away. Instead, here's a clip that gives you some idea of the tone. I can honestly say that if you miss this film, you miss a small sliver of joy and happiness in this otherwise deeply crap world.
Thursday, 20 May 2010
Dreamposting
I've discovered another ever-so-tiny flaw in my otherwise perfect existence - the realistic nature of my dreams.
Some people have fantastical dreams and wake up breathlessly exclaiming about being chased down their old school corridor by a unicorn carrying the co-joined twins of Margaret Thatcher and Sting. I envy those people in some way because my dreams are exactly like real life. Exactly.
That's really quite depressing isn't it? I've even had arguments with people about things we discussed in a work meeting the previous week, only to discover that I dreamt the entire meeting and then remembered it like it happened in real life. That's quite fucked up.
The reason I mention it is because it appears I've been dreamposting again. There's at least three posts that I could've sworn I wrote in the last month or so that don't exist anywhere, and now I think about it they were far too funny to have been real. Anyway, one that I'm going to have to post again because it deserves to be aired concerns the artery clogging magnificence that is the KFC Double Down:
You've probably seen it on the internet already. Well imagine you hadn't and this was the first time you saw it, because it would've been when I posted this the first time (um, on a technicality).
We're not allowed this amazing piece of food technology here, so I decided to make my own. Firstly I pan fried some breaded chicken breasts:
Until they were a lovely golden brown:
Next, the tortilla wrap was mayo-ed up:
The first chicken breast lovingly laid out:
Bacon was then added. Proper bacon, may I add:
Then grated mature cheddar:
Before the second chicken breast was placed in its true home:
Here's a side-on view so you can fully appreciate it:
And finally, the second tortilla is wrapped over (I needed bigger ones really):
I didn't eat for two days after that :)
Experimental cooking is where it's at, baby.
Some people have fantastical dreams and wake up breathlessly exclaiming about being chased down their old school corridor by a unicorn carrying the co-joined twins of Margaret Thatcher and Sting. I envy those people in some way because my dreams are exactly like real life. Exactly.
That's really quite depressing isn't it? I've even had arguments with people about things we discussed in a work meeting the previous week, only to discover that I dreamt the entire meeting and then remembered it like it happened in real life. That's quite fucked up.
The reason I mention it is because it appears I've been dreamposting again. There's at least three posts that I could've sworn I wrote in the last month or so that don't exist anywhere, and now I think about it they were far too funny to have been real. Anyway, one that I'm going to have to post again because it deserves to be aired concerns the artery clogging magnificence that is the KFC Double Down:
You've probably seen it on the internet already. Well imagine you hadn't and this was the first time you saw it, because it would've been when I posted this the first time (um, on a technicality).
We're not allowed this amazing piece of food technology here, so I decided to make my own. Firstly I pan fried some breaded chicken breasts:
Until they were a lovely golden brown:
Next, the tortilla wrap was mayo-ed up:
The first chicken breast lovingly laid out:
Bacon was then added. Proper bacon, may I add:
Then grated mature cheddar:
Before the second chicken breast was placed in its true home:
Here's a side-on view so you can fully appreciate it:
And finally, the second tortilla is wrapped over (I needed bigger ones really):
I didn't eat for two days after that :)
Experimental cooking is where it's at, baby.
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