Saturday, 11 April 2009

Language, Timothy!

(If you're not English you won't get that reference at all. Then you'll google it and be confronted by Ronnie Corbett. Then you'll write off Western Europe as 'here be dragons')

As someone who both:

a) uses language and
b) hears language

I feel myself uniquely qualified to pontificate all kind of bollocks about the written word.

I'm in a select club.

Especially when it comes to the American (mis)use of the English language. You do realise that we're just loaning it to you right? Did we not mention it? Shame. Ker-ching!

The big schism between 'American English' and the rare dialect known as 'English' (named after the country 'England' by the way) happened during the horrendous vowel cull of 1847, when decent, honest, law-abiding vowels were obliterated from words for no reason beyond petty word vandalism.

Axe became 'Ax', colour became 'color', favour became 'favor', Aluminium became 'something spelt the same yet perversely pronounced with a syllable less, for fucks sake.'

And most dangerously of all, a paedophile became 'pedophile'.

Dangerous you say? Why dangerous? Well, in England the 'paedo' prefix is related to children (paediatrician for example) and 'pedo' is related to walking (pedometer for example).

So - if in America a device that records how much you walk is a 'pedometer', and a kiddie-fiddler is 'pedophile'.....

....what is the American term for someone who likes walking? And do they get lynched?


Gorilla Bananas said...

You need to say this stuff on Kara's blog (a girl I'd like to spank, from Oregon). When I told her that petrol was what you put in your car and 'gas' was what you fart out of your anus she went berserk.

Paula said...

I just snorted at the previous comment, fucking hilarious!

I have to say though, Squirrel, sometimes I think you have WAAAYYYY too much time on your hands. How does this stuff even come into your head??? :)

Rachel Noy said...


The one thing that really irritates me is calling things by brand names. A tissue is not a Kleenex. A fizzy drink is not 'Coke', even if it's a Sprite. That one always confused me.

Our accents are not quaint, the way we say 'naughty' (nawtee rather than noddy, which again, is another kettle of fish) is not cute. What's so hard about aeroplane that you have to change it to airplane? Tire and tyre are completely different things.

And you're damn right on the aluminium point.

At least the Canadians aren't quite so sacrilegious. They keep most of our words and spellings but just add an 'eh?' on the end.

Love'em all really, but it's fun to bitch. <3

Anonymous said...

RUDE Little Squirrel!

We don't speak English...We speak American.

We may use words similar to yours, but our languages are different on purpose...

So we're not misusing your language...we have made our own..


Anonymous said...

Sorry about that Little Squirrel...that sounded way more bitchy than I intended...

Forgive me please!


Red Squirrel said...

gb - why do you want to spank Kara? Is this something about gorillas that we should know?

Paula - you have no idea how random my brain is!

Rachel - as a chemist by training the Aluminium thing annoys me a tad. Sodium isn't pronouned Sodum, Calcium isn't pronounced Calcum so why wouls Aluminium be pronounced Aluminum. It maketh no sense... :)

Sweet Cheeks - he he he. I knew at least one of you would bite :)

It's still a real question - what do you call someone who likes walking? :-P

Mrs Red Squirrel said...

Considering you're sitting on my bed right now, I can just fucking kick you. :)

Now you all know he's here visiting Mrs Red Squirrel who will no doubt get his English ass in CHECK.

Anonymous said...

Smiling very big at Mrs. Red Squirrel!


Anonymous said...

And the answer to your question is:


You're going to get run over if you insist on walking!
Take the bus for God's sake!

Mrs Red Squirrel said...

sweet cheeks,

He has managed to get me drunk and soften me up just a bit, but the kick is still coming. goodnight!

p.s. He definitely isn't a bis taker. ;)

Mrs Red Squirrel said...

I mean bus. (I said I was drunk...)

Anonymous said...

Excellent Mrs. Little Squirrel!

You keep that boy in line!


George said...

You're just jealous because their girls are hotter and dumber, so they've got better sex.