Monday, 9 February 2009

Sometimes life is good.

I know I sometimes bitch about work, but there are (genuine) times when my job isn't merely a means to an end.

If 'not being poor' counts as an 'end' per se.

I work for an academic publishers that takes submissions from all and sundry, rejects the silly ones and publishes the serious ones in a series of eminent scientific journals. As we accept online submissions from anyone we get to interact with all types of people, from the slightly mad to the bonkers insane.

The insane ones are more fun. So long as they never find out where you live.

We've had papers submitted with the frankly genius title of 'K - the Theory Of Everything' (even more brilliantly it was a mere 5 pages of Babelfish translated Greek). We've had a brief manuscript detailing the discovery of 'Chronons' which are subatomic particles that emit time 'like uranium emits radiation' and are not distributed evenly (which explains why time moves faster at some times rather than others). Sadly the proof section was slightly lacking because Chronons 'are impossible to detect.'

I'm convinced, dunno about you.

This week however, saw a new favourite in crank submissions - the exciting discovery of the Inverse Zero (or, as the author prefers to call it, the 'Baby Israel'). It was submitted from a clinic in a US state beginning with W - although it was uncertain as to whether it was submitted by a doctor or an inmate. I'd be happier thinking it was from Vernon, who spends most of his day sitting in the corner rocking back and forth and mumbling about the Amish.

Any scientific paper that starts with:

'Please have patience for I promise you that I will not go away because I have resolved the unified theory of the universe'

is off to a flyer. Implied threat of stalkage? Check. Outlandish claim? Check. Nutter credentials? Nope. No, wait, there's more:

'Walk slowly through my letter, it is in four dimensions and I have discovered the inverse dimension'

Nutter credentials? Check.

So, explain further Vernon:

'In fact God made the inverse. The inverse of a sphere is a 19 degree cone with ex-verse lips'

God eh? Uh-huh. And ex-verse lips? Is that what happens when a botox injection goes wrong? But sorry Vernon, I'm interrupting:

'Genesis of baby Israel, inverse zero, zero of mass energy . There is a reason in the name, Israel was a Amish baby I dealt with'

Ah, the Amish. Always with the Amish. Pray continue:

'I sincerely hope that I am not spilling my “mental semen” in a hole in the ground to produce a convoluted monster of single zero mathematics.'

Well quite. I'd personally rather you kept your semen, mental or otherwise, to yourself Vernon. You know what the nurse said.

'I will send you a four dimensional conal progression bonds. By E mail.'

You know, that sounds great. My email is sort of a bit broken at the moment though Vernon, but I'm sure it'll be up and running and ready to receive a four dimensional email in, oooh, roughly 2026.

Sadly it ends there, but I'll bring you a further installment of Vernon's theories when he next submits his mental semen.

6 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

The man is a creative genius. I would ask him to make a video explaining his theory and put it on You Tube.

Irish Gumbo said...

I'm with you: I hope Vernon keeps his emissions to himself. Now if I could just find my diagrams for the tesseract I was going to build...


(and yes, Arsenal got lucky. A match that satisfied hardly anyone, I think)

Jan said...

Yeah, those nutters from West Virginia will get you every time.

I, quite frankly, am DYING to see the ex-verse lips. It sounds slightly obscene.

Belle said...

Did you notice that I ignored the giant penis jibe? Prick!
Please ask Vernon what the female equavalent of mental semen is?
I'm on the edge of my seat...

Sweet Cheeks said...

I can't believe he is still running four dimensional conal progression...why didn't he upgrade to 5.0?
What a douche!
:)

Red Squirrel said...

gb - I would but I'd get into trouble for contacting him. In fact, his rejection letter included a threat of a restraining order if he contacted them again. Somehow I think Vernon has been busy recently....

IG - and it seems we've drawn each other in the youth cup. A chance for one of us to win a game for once :)

Jan - nice fishing, but I can neither confirm or deny that it was West Virginia. Sadly there were no diagrams, otherwise I would've shared them.

Belle - you did well to ignore it. I barely noticed your ignorance (um, that sounds wrong. I barely noticed you ignoring it maybe?)

Sweet Cheeks - it's a good point :)