Wednesday, 5 August 2009

Right then...

Okay, I've been a bit shit at updating this recently. In my defence there's been work, cricket, pre-season friendlies, big drunken catch-up sessions and murder getting in the way.

But enough of the rest of August's posts, let's talk babies.

Yeah. You heard me. The evil scrot-like things that refuse to stop bothering the planet like an intergalactic herpes infection.

Now I'm not averse to the concept of having children*, but there's no way I want them anytime soon - and rather brilliantly neither does Mrs. RS (a most beneficial side-effect of being the older person in a relationship). Maybe one day, you never know, but not in our near future.

If we do decide to have kids however and I ever turn into the type of parent I'm about to outline, you all officially have my permission to kill me in a variety of hideous ways.

For there is a type of parent (usually the father) whom lurches from disinterested 'yeah, gonna have a kid. That's my golf handicap out of the window' before the birth to 'my life is so amazing, I have a child. A baby. Awwww. A baby, Did I say I had a baby? Isn't she the most beautiful baby ever? Look, my baby. Awww. The building is on fire? Oh, well we'll only get through the first 10,000 baby photos before they evacuate us' afterwards.

The sort of person who's every sentence, every email, every text, twitter, blogpost, phone call or letter is about their bloody child. As if somehow they're the only people who have ever had children. As if doing something only 10 billion other humanoid creatures have ever done is somehow worthy of worship.

This is a genuine example from an acquaintance of mine with only the name changed - and is the sort of thing I get in a thrice-daily facebook update:

Piglet did her 1st crawl today!! Oh baby!! Woo hoo!

I feel sick.

Yeah, you had a kid. Congrats. You achieved something hundreds of thousands of other people have done IN THIS COUNTRY THIS YEAR. Big ups to the nappy massive.

If someone who did something else that's rather tough, gets done once a year and is done by hundreds of thousands of people (say, run a marathon maybe) and talked about NOTHING ELSE everytime you saw them - you'd rightly tag them as a boring fucknut.

Of course, the vast majority of parents are not like this at all. The world is divided into two types - those that get on with raising their children, and those that get a sign in the back window of their car saying 'Baby on Board' - and we all know some boring fucknut like that....

This rant was brought to you by the emotion 'moody', the physical sensation 'tired' and the logical conclusion that too many parents are 'selfish wankers'.

*That may actually come as a genuine shock to some of you


Anonymous said...

Thank you Mr. Squirrel. From the bottom of my no-desire-to-have-kids heart. I'm sure people are in love with their children but you know, WE'RE NOT so maybe they could just keep it to themselves or something radical like that? I get rid of my aggression on the matter by reading the STFU Parents blog featuring lots of people making fun of those stupid Facebook updates about the latest triumph of someone's spawn. "Jake just shat in the bath!" that sort of thing. It's perversely satisfying.

Anonymous said...

Hmm, full moon and lunar eclipse...


Jack said...

Red Suqirrel ... I'm confused. Last time I checked, you didn't work in my office. How come you are writing about that guy behind me who's just had a baby, and shows 200+ photos on his iPhone every week, has said 'baby on board' sign and every phone conversation is about said baby?

Very strange.

Gorilla Bananas said...

But are you sure you won't turn into a doting nincompoop when you see your first newborn?

Rachel Noy said...

You know the funny thing, you're going to be EXACTLY like that if a baby squirrel ever does pop along.

Rachel Noy said...

Oops, yeah, what he ^ said.

Red Squirrel said...

TVA - I shall look into that and join in the laughter then :)

Alfamale - whatever could you mean, mon ami?

Jack - those bastards get everywhere don't they? I tend to leave my headphones in even without listening to music to get them to leave me alone....

gb - if I do, I've given you all permission to kill me.

Rachel - I am most definitely not going to be like that (and even if I did, it will be so far in the future that you won't remember this post :) )

Pearl said...

Oh, I expect that if you have a kid there'll be at least one pic posted.

I'm going to start thinking of ways to kill you now, as if I don't start now a million things will pop up to distract me and I want to do it up right.


Red Squirrel said...

Pearl - that's what I like to see, some forward planning *nods*