Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Two cats fighting in the hallway

Whilst that would be a great (if surreal) Red Indian name, it is in fact now my fourth least pleasant way to wake up at 3am.

And 4am.

And 5am.

And finally 6am before I lost my rag and stormed outside to chase away the stupid bloody cat trying to get into my flat.

(For the record: number three is the sound of the smoke alarm, number two is the sound of some psycho scraping knife blades together - thankfully something I'm only getting in dreams - and number one is the previously mentioned
Tokyo incident)

Last night's attempted refugee from the Pussy Wars in my street was next door's new Siamese. Now I have a problem with Siamese cats because they're:

a) fugly
b) evil little shits.

Your average Siamese would more likely rip your chest cavity open and take a dump in it than show you any affection, unlike my Floyd who's as close to a cat whore as is possible. So, sorry that the ginger fur monster down the street is trying to eat you - but you ain't hiding out in my pad, you pointy faced freak.

Talking of sleep (or lack of it), a colleague at work suffers from sleep-talking. Or rather, he suffers from a girlfriend who sleep-talks. I'm not just talking murmuring a little in her sleep, oh no. She asks questions. And when he (reasonably seeing as he's asleep) doesn't answer, she pokes him repeatedly on the arm and asks him again. If he then doesn't respond quickly enough she sits up in bed (still fast asleep) and shakes him awake whilst blurting out something like 'We need to join the hunt for the spatula!'

She then goes back to sleep leaving him wide awake. This repeats every couple of hours.

I think I'm paraphrasing Meatloaf a bit, but he was spot on when he sang "I will do anything for love, but I won't put up with that sort of bollocks."

Anyway, you may have seen/read on the news that the east coast of Australia is covered in
dust storms at the moment. It must be pretty bad out there, but I fear that the intake of red dust has had an adverse effect on some of the inhabitants - for one of the eyewitnesses proclaimed:

'It was like being on Mars. I haven't been there, obviously, but I imagine that's what the sky would look like.'

You haven't been to Mars yet? Jeez, I thought everyone had gone to Mars by now....


Unindicted Co-Conspirator said...

Being on Mars is EXACTLY like being in Australia during a red dust storm. Or like being in a time travel machine when the flux capacitor malfunctions.
BTW, your bias against pointy-faced Siamese cats simply showcases your judgmental and intolerant temperament. SOME Siamese cats are adorable, just not the ones that wake you up while you're dreaming about spatula hunts.

Red Squirrel said...

UCC - welcome :)

I'm sure there are a couple non-evil Siamese cats out there but I've never met one!

As for being judgmental and intolerant, that's me :)

Gorilla Bananas said...

I've never liked Siamese cats either, Burmese are the best breed. Meatloaf should give his girlfriend a good spanking so she does wake up. He should not fart in her face, however, that would be going too far.

Jack said...

Siamese cats are very unaffectionate in general. And their tails feel quite ratty.

Fan of the traditional moggy here.

Kevin Musgrove said...

I'm told that Siamese cats are quite effective at keeping nPower salesmen at bay. Even so, I'm still not convinced they're worth the candle.

Pearl said...

I'm not only a sleep talker but a sleep WALKER.

It gets exciting.


Red Squirrel said...

gb - having seen your recent post on farts, I shall be passing on your ideas to Meatloaf.

Jack - shorthair-1%-everything type cats are the best for sure.

Kevin - I always find the phrase "but I'm already with npower" works best :)

Pearl - so long as you sleep-walk quietly then I see no harm :)

Simply Curious said...

I was sure number or at least close behind in second would be,"Honey...the baby's coming...." :)

Red Squirrel said...

SC - thankfully something I won't be hearing for a VERY long time...