Sunday, 7 December 2008

Time flies when you're a lazy git.

I've been told I've been neglecting this recently, so I'll try and make a big effort next week. No, honest.

As an aside, I have the cleverest cat in the world. Sure, lots of cat owners will say the same thing because their cat can recognise the sound of their car engine, or turn on a light switch, or meow in a way that sounds like words - but that's not what I mean.

I have a cat that's cleverer than most humans.

That's a big claim, but she's cleverer than most humans because she's mastered something that humans can only mimic on sci-fi shows with christmas lights and tinsel. That's right, my cat has mastered the art of matter transference - or teleportation if you will.

She (that is, Pink) can - in the blink of an eye - move from one side of the room to the other without appearing to occupy any space in between. More so, this skill is entirely repeatable. All you need to do is get her in a head lock and try and put anti-flea liquid onto the skin at the back of her neck - and suddenly *poof* she's the other side of the room hissing at you. Another blink of the eye and BANG!!! the cat flap is swinging in the wind and you won't see her for two months (and counting)....

Floyd on the other hand, likes to try and exercise his mind with complex physics. You may be aware of the paradox of Schroedinger's Cat - well Floyd and I have worked long and hard on this one, and it turns out that if you place a cat in a box after you've put some anti-flea liquid onto the skin at the back of his neck, then when you open the box to see if the cat is alive or not you get an effect last seen in the Alien movie franchise as an angry ball of fury will leap at your face and try and bite your hair off.

I can kind of understand their dislike of their new flea treatment. It turns out that pets can build up an immunity to the chemical treatment that is supposed to make their skin taste yucky to the fleas, and this will diminish its potency. Luckily for the world there's a new type that frankly stinks to high heaven. I'm guessing it's abandoned the clever 'skin-altering' technology in favour of just making the fleas leave for somewhere that smells better - the equivalent of taking a dump in a squatter's fridge.

Floyd really didn't like the smell so did a runner for a few hours. When he came bounding back in, his train of thought appeared to be something like:

'Happy, happy, joy, joy, I'm here! Meow! Look, it's me! Meow! What's that smell? Aaargh! It's following me! If I look over my shoulder it's even stronger! Aaaaargh! My nose! It's even worse if I run in a circle! Arrrrrrrrrrrgh! Quick, run away! Run awaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!'

And then he'd run outside again for a few hours. It was pretty funny the first four times he did it, but got fairly tiresome after that. He even slept in the coal scuttle for three days (presumably to mask the stench) and made little black paw prints on every single surface in my flat.

Though it must be said that he lost of lot of weight whilst running away from his own neck for 24 hours. Maybe they should just market it as a diet treatment for obese pets?


Pearl said...

I'm wondering if Pink should meet Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys). Pink isn't taking any late-night calls, is she?

Anonymous said...

Watch out Red...the little black paw prints are a warning...don't try this again in the future - or else!

I also have a cat that has ninja stealth qualities. What's scary is that she is soooo quiet when she moves. She looks at me like I'm an idiot for not realizing she is right next to me. :)

Red Squirrel said...

Pearl - I wouldn't know. Pink spends about one night a month in the flat before Floyd decides he wants to sit *there* (and *there* is wherever Pink is at any one moment in time).

Sweet Cheeks - I take it you've seen this? Now that's stalking....