I loaded the BBC News homepage this afternoon to be confronted by the most stunning and shocking headline I've seen for a long time:
Austrian Fritzl sentenced to life
Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! I had my money down on an acquittal! I mean, yes, some might say that seeing as he imprisoned his daughter for 24 years, raped her repeatedly, fathered 7 children by her and let one of them die and then had the audacity to plead guilty to all charges, that in fact such a headline could be filed under:
Stating the fucking obvious
What will we get next?
Scientists claim 'Earth is round'
Global recession caused by greedy wankers with too many Porsches
Politician admits to never having told the truth
Huh. I want better headlines than that! I want to see (and one of these includes an actual headline - see if you can guess which one before clicking on a link):
Pope urges poor black people to get Aids and die. 'I vill complete ze fuhrer's verk' pontificated the Pontiff.
Disgraced Banker can keep massive reward for gross spasticity. Government claims 'we can only invent unjust laws against those with no money, so he gets off'.
Outrage as Minister claims that study into dying bees 'not a priority'. Brown flimsily claims that 'two wars and a recession kind of distracted me.'
French strike yet again. Sarkozy rejects as 'outrageous' opposition claims that his economic policies have forced ordinary French people 'to do work'.
America deports former Nazi for war crimes. White House states 'the only way to get away with war crimes in the US is to be Dick Cheney or Donald Rumsfeld. We're pretty sure he was neither.'
Mugabe makes plea for help. 'I've destroyed this country good and proper and now there's not enough money to buy me a new Mercedes for my birthday. Please send cash.'
Government discovers that borrowing vast sums of money with little income leads to a situation where you are 'fucked.'
Man paid a lot of money to 'predict the collapse of society' fails to look out of the window and gets it wrong by 21 years.
I'm available for hire as a headline writer at my usual email address :)