Monday, 13 July 2009

Maybe it's just me...

...but has anyone else noticed a sudden increase in people dragging their bags behind them on little plastic wheels? You know the sort - the ones where as you hear them approach down the street you instinctively look up to see how low the jet aircraft is, only to be disappointed as some beardy in a suit roars past you at 2 mph.

Noisy fuckers like this guy:

Fair enough if people were actually using them for to go on holiday, but it seems to have suddenly become acceptable to wheel stuff to work because apparently carrying your sandwiches became 'too heavy' and didn't generate more decibels than the Williams sisters at a Pizza Hut all-you-can-eat buffet.

I've spent a long time thinking about why this is suddenly so prevalent, and now I finally have the solution.

Clearly we're being invaded by Aliens.

Clever Aliens that have but one purpose in life - to enslave humankind. Obviously these creatures arrive from off world in an embryonic stage known as a 'handbag'. Taken home by unsuspecting weak-willed victims, these 'handbags' hide themselves away (after all - how many times have you (or your lady friend) desperately searched for your favourite handbag that you could've sworn was on the table only five minutes ago) and hatch overnight into the hard-wheeled box monsters we see on the street every day. In fact, whilst you sleep these Aliens are controlling your mind, forcing you to obey your master and drag it around with you all the time - even if you have nothing to carry at all!

You don't believe me? Okay, I offer proof.

This is a photo of the 'Samsonite' family at Christmas:

Note how that the universal rule of group photos* applies across intergalactic species.

And this is a top secret shot of the last gathering (or 'Conference') of the Luggage Masters (aka the 'Bag Snatchers') - taken with a hidden camera secreted inside a turncoat holdall:

See how even at Alien conferences you still have to wear a name tag.

It was at this gathering that the leader of the Luggage Masters (the one proudly displaying his handle in the middle that suspiciously looks like an inverse Hitler) declared stage one of his masterplan complete. Only you can stop them!

Still not convinced? I shall leave you with the wise words of my good friend
Dr Miles Bennell:

"They're not human! They're here already! You're next!!!....."

You have been warned...

*That in every group photo, at least one person has to act like an idiot.


Gorilla Bananas said...

Well they're not much of a threat if they depend on humans to wheel them around. Putting stickers on them would be a way of slapping them down.

Anonymous said...

For the past few years I've had thoughts about luggage. You've just confirmed my suspicions...when luggage goes missing on a non-stop is completely unexplainable...or is it?

Those sneaky alien bastards!

Red Squirrel said...

gb - never underestimate their mind control powers. Luckily for you they'd stand out in a jungle setting so you could easily spot one....

Sweet Cheeks - exactly! That's them beaming off the plane mid-flight :)